My name is Ruth and I am a Chartered Accountant in one of the country’s top firms. I’m married to a wonderful man and together we have 2 beautiful children – well, I have 3.
Number 3 is the one that nobody knows; the one I never talk about; the who has never been seen. I feel that I am most connected to this one, but I could never say it out loud.
I can remember everything about my baby, from watching my stomach grow, to the amazing feeling of the first kicks. I remember the day that I delivered and we looked at each other for the very first time. The way my baby suckled, the first crawl and step. I remember everything like it was yesterday.
Oh, and the first day of nursery school – the unending smiles were so adorable – wow! There were of course, some sad and heart wrenching moments. Like the time we broke our arm and my baby was in excruciating pain. I can feel the anguish right now as I recall.
The sad thing though, is that all my memories, my thoughts, my recollections, are just a figment of my imagination, because my baby doesn’t exist. Not in this life anyway. I never gave him or her a chance to live. It wasn’t the right time and the circumstances didn’t fit. My decision cost me my experiences and took away my chance at loving another human being dearly. Regret tends to linger as my mind takes this journey in anger.
He or she would be 13 today according to my EDD, and I am sitting in my office imagining my baby’s birthday party, the smiles and the laughter.
It doesn’t go away, no matter what I try. I live with the ‘what if?’ question of life, the ‘did I do the right thing?’, and the ‘can I take it back?’. However, I live through it. I just have to; I have no choice. Everyday I survive through it and earnestly I build.
Nobody knows and they will never know, how I long to see my child in this life and beyond. My battle is silent, my heartache is my own, because nobody will ever understand the depth, length and pain of abortion’s curse.
My name is Ruth, and I am mother to a child I chose not to have.
(Written after a conversation with a young lady contemplating abortion. Sadly (in my opinion), she went ahead with it.)
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